the comedy of man starts like this

(This is a February post that I’m posting in March. That’s my February in a nutshell.)

I decided to abandon one of my most cherished WIPs. At the beginning of the year, I was still hopeful about it in the sense that I gave it its very last chance aka another (6th!) rework. But at this point I don’t think it’s going to work.

The thing is, I love this book’s premise whose bare bones haven’t changed since I came up with it in 2018 (I think?). I think I would have walked away sooner if not for the premise, but even as I changed everything around it that I thought was blocking me – from genre through setting to main characters and their relationship – I just can’t bring myself to write it.

I don't think it's a writer's block – my motivation is mostly fine with other projects. The problem is that I love the idea of this story more than I love the actual story on paper or even putting the story on paper. Again, that’s not the case with other original writing. I’ve recently switched to an urban fantasy novel that has also been living in my head forever, and the writing’s going more smoothly (so far).

The problem is also the pressure I put on this reworked story. If we’re being uncomfortably honest, deep down I’ve believed this would be my breakthrough novel. The rising star debut. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a story and on your writing. Objectively, I know that. And yet here we are. No wonder I’d rather not write it because if it’s out of my head, then it’s not the Perfect Idea but rather the naturally imperfect novel that might not make it in the wider world.

So, I decided that maybe it’s for the best if this particular story stays where it looks best – in my head. Maybe I’ll come back to it one day, when I’m older and wiser and I’ll have already proven to myself that I can finish a novel and be relatively satisfied with it. But for now, it’s served me well as a lesson in killing your darlings. Because boy, do I still love this story and would love to share it with the world one day, but if it’s slowing down my writing to a very sad dribble – in a time when, really, there’s enough external factors working against my energy – then it has to go.

February Highlights
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turns out that if you hatefully stare at a computer screen for 8 hours five times a week -- and some of that time includes staring at word documents either with resignation or disdain -- you'll stop wanting to look at computer screens in your free time, even if these personal computer screens involve fun things.

this wouldn't be a huge problem if:

• it actually meant I'm spending less time looking at screens in general. However, I'm constantly lured in to mindlessly scroll on my phone, which I obviously do to numb my brain so I don't have to think about real actions I should take to change my life for the better. Current plan is to Pomodoro my way out of "phone time" into various hobbies.
• I didn't (use to) do the better chunk of my fiction writing on my computer. Unfortunately, at the moment, looking at any word processor makes my brain think I'm at work and so it refuses to cooperate because hello, haven't you logged out of work a few hours ago? What about your treasured boundaries to not work outside of work hours??? My brain doesn't care that Scrivener looks nothing like the things I do at work.

there are probably some other troubling implications for me, but yeah. even on the weekends, I'd rather not use my computer because ugh, typing and looking at a screen, as if I'm not supposed to do that tomorrow for 8 hours. the core problem, of course, is that I'm just very unhappy at my current job, but getting a new job right now is a bit complicated for reasons I won't get into here (wow, so mysterious. it boils down to: I don't know what I want to do with my "career"). anyway, all this complaining to say I miss writing on my computer, but it's not a reasonable option right now because I'm also dealing with a year-long writing slump caused by -- you guessed it -- work stress and general recent life upheavals.

it's not all thunderstorms and despair, thankfully. I switched to writing longhand, which is slower but gives me a wonderful reason to use my fountain pens and fancy inks and makes me feel more creative (editing that stuff will be a completely different topic, but I'll worry about it when I get to it). I've read 7 books so far this year, which is 3 books more than I read around this time last year. I'm getting better at taking care of myself (even if I have to restart my exercise routine every two months because I keep falling off the wagon) and my space. And I know I'll figure out my career situation when it's time.

but for now, I suppose I'll gradually ease myself into typing on the computer by writing these spontaneous entries on my dreamwidth account. which wasn't the plan, but I guess we're here now, so let's see where it gets me.